#14 - Not Having FOMO, Overcoming Anxiety & Alcohol Use Disorder, Losing 30lbs in 7 months
Unknown Speaker 0:00
On today's episode, you get to hear from one of the most energetic people I've ever met. She exudes positivity wherever she goes, despite having gone through personal challenges, such as the passing of her dad moving across the country multiple times for a job she loved and the influence of relationships and the sacrifices you make for those relationships, whether they be friendships, romantic relationships, or otherwise, really excited to share this one with you guys.
Unknown Speaker 0:31
Welcome to the fit united radio and Podcast, where each episode we aim to bring fresh, relevant fitness and health related news content and interviews to help you reach new heights and ultimately, become your best and fitness sounds. Alright guys in three, two and one. Let's go
Unknown Speaker 1:00
Right on today's episode, I sit down with a lovely Alyssa Anderson. She has an amazing positive energy. And you'll hear it from the moment she comes on the mic. She's a social media influencer, pursuing acting, and currently a co host of the approachable podcast with her best friend Samantha now in its second season. Want to let you guys know about the text community that is steadily growing now. This is The FIT UNITED Podcast VIP. As you know, my goal is to connect us all on a deeper level through conversations here on the podcast, but also between each other. Once you're part of the VIP, you get access to exclusive content from me as it rolls out. And I'll let you know ahead of everyone else have new episodes coming out. The best part is it's free. And you and I can keep in touch directly simply through text. All you have to do is text fitness to 69922. That's it. I've got a super important question to ask. You there, you'll laugh when you see it. So text me now, fitness 269922 I want to say thank you to this episode's sponsor fit track. Fit track is a Health app company that is disrupting the health and fitness industry right now, with their smart scale and smartwatch. They provide you with personalized information that is essential to helping you achieve your fitness goals. Now I get it. As a personal trainer, I know a scale can only tell you so much. And just looking at your weight is not the best indicator of your health. But the track deira scale is different. using advanced dual bioimpedance analysis technology, you are able to track 17 metrics that help you get a better understanding of your body's composition. Sinking it with the fit track app, the fit track daris scale tracks measurements such as muscle mass, fat, mass, bone mass, even your hydration levels, and you can see your progress over time. The scale even syncs up to Apple Health and Google Fit Another great feature is that you're able to create multiple users so that you and your family members can share the scale and track your own individual progress. Now, how cool is that, but this scale even has infant mode. All right, as your little one grows, you can track and monitor their health as well. My son Cruz is now nine months old, and his first few weeks he wasn't gaining the amount of weight as fast as we would have liked. Now, this would have been much easier to track if we had the fifth track dare scale at home. Fit track also has a wearable smartwatch called the threa tracker. It's got everything you need and nothing you don't as a smartwatch. Of course you can receive call and message notifications. But the tree a tracker is an all day wearable that tracks your activity, heart rate, and seven different sport modes depending on the activity you're participating in. You can change music from the watch while you're on a run. You can even use it to take control of your camera and take that all important selfie. It even monitors your quality of sleep Now on top of all of these features, here's the best one. It has a seven plus day battery life. Now a week without charging will will really allow you to track your activity and sleep on interrupted. Now having the fifth track daris scale and a tree a smartwatch is like having a one two combo and helping you achieve your health goals. What makes the fintrac products different than the rest is the impressive quality of the products for such an affordable price point. fintrac believes in this scale and watch so much that they have a 30 day risk free trial period. So if you decide fintrac isn't for you, you can get a full refund. No questions asked. They even cover the scale and watch with an optional lifetime warranty. So that means no worries for you. Alright, so how can you get your hands on the fit track scale and smartwatch. I'll have a link you can use which I'll put for you guys in the show notes. Right now using the link you can save up to over 60% off the regular price in Use the code New Me 20 you can get an extra 20% off. You also get free shipping on your orders for a limited time. Make sure guys you take advantage of the sweet deal of over 60% off the dare scale and a trio tracker and free shipping. Just click on the link to the fit track site in the show notes. Okay guys, let's get to it. Without further ado, here is my interview with a super bubbly and super fun. Alyssa Anderson. Alright guys, welcome to The FIT UNITED Podcast. This is Kevin, I'm with my guest for today. Alyssa Addison, how you doing?
Unknown Speaker 5:39
I'm so good.
Unknown Speaker 5:40
happy you're here. I'm super excited. I want to tell everybody about how we met First of all, because I'm a coach at Orange theory, as many of you know, and Alyssa is a member at Orange theory. And she come to a couple of my class I was like, Who is this girl she's got all this energy like she comes in. It's like it could be a 15 Pm or it could be like noon on Saturday. And she's like, not bouncing off the wall but just super energetic and I love that. So even to the point where I was like, should ask her maybe she should be a coach because you know, people like coaches need this kind of energy. So anyway, that's how we met every year. Remember that and me asking you
Unknown Speaker 6:15
I do remember Yeah, when I specifically go to your classes, because I just like I like the vibe, man. Yeah, I appreciate
Unknown Speaker 6:21
that. Well, thank you. Part of it. Honestly, I love I love making the music a part of the experience too. I know that a good workout, you get a sweat stuff, but musics A big part. So and I know yesterday's playlists, you are pretty pumped. And I love that playlist. I'll try to bring it back.
Unknown Speaker 6:36
There was another one one time that was like top 40s but with like, like remixes and that class I burn over 700 calories. 700 and that was one I don't know if you remember but I had like 56 plot points or whatever. You were like were you like in the orange coming in? Like
Unknown Speaker 6:52
a couple of five minute or five hour energies before I got in here.
Unknown Speaker 6:56
Yeah, but I think that was after you came back from a holiday. You're in Paris. Yeah. So So you were you're taking a couple weeks off? I think it did. Yeah. So coming back always is that it's been rough.
Unknown Speaker 7:06
It was rough. She was a rough time. Yeah. You know what, though, when I started, this is just gonna be a orangetheory. Now, Yeah, totally.
Unknown Speaker 7:14
When I started, I could only like, power walk, especially because like, I have problems with my back and like my knees and stuff. And now I'm like, as you know, like fucking running the whole thing.
Unknown Speaker 7:23
Yeah, yeah, you got that, you know, you're actually running now. So just explain for some of the lay people who don't understand what what power walking is power walking is method of regression, I guess on the treadmill. In case you're not able to run for an injury or whatever, if you just starting out and gets too intense to run, you can power walk and that's when you increase or decrease the incline. Right. And so you were limited to that for how long?
Unknown Speaker 7:45
Oh, a long time because I think I started at Orange theory in May.
Unknown Speaker 7:48
Okay. Okay. So ever since then, January. Okay. Okay. Yeah, so you've been power walking up until pretty much now since May. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Well, I'm glad that it's better now.
Unknown Speaker 7:57
Yeah, I know. I think because like, my muscles are surrounding those injured areas are getting stronger than stability. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 8:06
I told you you shouldn't totally do this now you understand? But um, no, no, but yeah, that's totally true. Like, you build that strength up. And now you can progress literally into jogging and running. And now you're still getting all those plot points and plot points is that see we are we're good. But then people are like, what the hell is that spot point is essentially, if you spend a minute at a heart rate zone that's 82% or greater of your maximum, you're going to get a spot point for that minute. So essentially, you were there for a whole hour and you got 50 to
Unknown Speaker 8:35
56 I'm not even my heart rate was still going when we were stretching. And I got that one more because we were almost at like a certain thousand amount or hundred amount. And then you were like, jumping?
Unknown Speaker 8:46
Yeah. We gotta get this like 800 or whatever it was. And that's, that's pretty good for a class. As you can tell guys, Alyssa energy is very infectious. And this is why I want to bring her on because she's got a lot of things. going on. One of the things that she's got going on is her podcast with her friend Samantha. Right. It's called the approachable podcast and how long have you guys had it going on for now?
Unknown Speaker 9:09
Gosh, I think that started in May two.
Unknown Speaker 9:11
Was it okay? Yeah, it was a big month for you. It was
Unknown Speaker 9:14
a big month. Yeah. Well this year and I mean, like, I guess this year is just brand new, but like last year, that was huge. A bunch of changes. Yeah, and we started Yeah, in May, but we started thinking about the podcast like last October
Unknown Speaker 9:27
Okay, so it was a few months in the works and then all sudden you're like, yeah, we gotta just gotta go for it. Yeah. So why did you guys decide to start approachable and first of all, tell me about why you want to start it and why the name I thought was really cool.
Unknown Speaker 9:39
Listen, trying to fuckin pick that name.
Unknown Speaker 9:42
is so hard. We started Samantha Sam is she's a beauty influencer on YouTube and Instagram and so she was kind of feeling sorry I feel like I'm like in
Unknown Speaker 9:56
a bit there you
Unknown Speaker 9:58
Sam is a beauty influencer on instant And YouTube. And so she was kind of feeling like, how do I even say this? Not that her work didn't matter, but she wanted to talk about something bigger than makeup. I gotcha. Yeah. And she came to me and she was like, do you want to do a podcast and I had been listening to podcast as well. And I was like, hell yeah, maybe I want to do. And we started talking about like, what we would want to put out into the world. And we literally sat back and forth getting our nails done, like going to the swimming pool, like trying to figure out we're like, brainstorming what this name would be. And finally, we were just I don't even know who said it first. But we were just sitting in her beauty room. And one of us said, I just want to make these topics approachable. And we met It was literally
Unknown Speaker 10:36
like the movie that can light ball we both looked at each other. And immediately Google that actually was taken. Yeah, and obviously not.
Unknown Speaker 10:43
No, it wasn't and we were like an approachable podcast was born right and that is what we want to do. We wanted to take these topics because Sam and I speak extremely openly to each
Unknown Speaker 10:53
other with each other.
Unknown Speaker 10:54
Yeah, and to our friends. Like I feel like both of us are open books in regards to like our past. Our with mental health, like literally anything, right? And we were like, but why can't other people talk like this? They can and so we kind of wanted, if I can be so bold to say that we're doing it, we wanted to make topics like that more approachable to like everyone. And from the feedback that we've received, I feel like we are right, right. That's dope.
Unknown Speaker 11:20
It is dope because and that's why when I was listening to a few episodes are like, they're actually talking about this. This is crazy. Obviously, there are a lot of people with certain insecurities or inhibitions about talking about these topics, but you're not talking about other people experiencing these things. You're talking about yourself, which I think is even more difficult. You know what I mean? So you guys came up with the name where why why the podcast medium?
Unknown Speaker 11:44
Unknown Speaker 11:46
gonna be in YouTube. I mean, because I know you guys post a video on YouTube too. Right? But yeah,
Unknown Speaker 11:49
for me, it wasn't as big of a thing. What Sam experiences in in the social media world sorry. is a lot of the time things going get taken out of context because you don't have enough time to explain yourself because people aren't generally speaking going to watch like an hour long YouTube video, but people do sit down and listen to podcasts for that long because you can
Unknown Speaker 12:11
do different things while you're listening.
Unknown Speaker 12:13
Yeah, yeah, sure. And it kind of gave us the opportunity to do it on edited, you know, we do edit our podcast, but more so like in a conversational way. Whereas YouTube videos, you kind of want to make it like, okay, like, let's use the comedic threes and like, let's do this. And there's
Unknown Speaker 12:27
position tricks and all this stuff. Yeah, there's like more
Unknown Speaker 12:30
structure to it. And with podcasting, and honestly, on the podcast platform, I feel like the users of like, podcasts are so much different. I don't know why, like the audience is there. There's so much more accepting, not to say that like people on YouTube aren't accepting.
Unknown Speaker 12:48
Like, just like shading.
Unknown Speaker 12:50
But but the feedback is just so different, right? I don't it's I don't know what it is. It's just a different vibe over there in the podcast world, man.
Unknown Speaker 12:58
Totally. And you know what, honestly, I might Be a good social experiment, then maybe someone's already done it. But the audience is different. I found already and just, you know, the audience that I've, you know, built up in the short time that I've been doing this. But I think there's something to say about conversation. And there's a reason why radio has been around for so long, because they listen to conversation. They don't necessarily need to see a face to face, but they can connect with you on a much deeper level. And then if they see their face, now they can put a face to that name or that voice. And they've already built that relationship with you. I think that's really why it's caught on so much is a digital form of radio. That's the way I see it. Anyway.
Unknown Speaker 13:29
That's how I get to and actually, that it's so interesting, being in the YouTube world and being in the podcast world, because that's how the ads work, too. No, totally. Yeah. So like, YouTube is completely different in the way that that the budgets and the companies work. And in the podcast world, it's still very traditional, like traditional mediums. Right, right. And it's like a really good comparison. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 13:48
actually, that's really interesting. I know. I'm not sure what's happening with this now. But I think Spotify is starting to change things in terms of their ad strategies. 20 and so we could talk about more podcast specific stuff later on. Seriously. Shall we can nerd out about Yeah, seriously. But they're going to start potentially monetizing through ads that they're going to strategically place throughout the podcast. And it's going to be it's not going to be necessarily your sponsor and my sponsor, but it's going to be who they feel is appropriate. So anyway, we'll talk about that later. I think that's something that's really interesting. Okay, so going back to approachable and why started in the topics you guys have talked about? First of all, you guys were friends for a long time before this. So how long you guys been friends?
Unknown Speaker 14:25
Oh, my eyes are watering already. Oh my god. Like when I talk about if you watched any of my podcasts, you know, I'm so emotional. Especially when it comes to Sam. We've been friends for 10 years now. Wow. I we like just hit our 10 year anniversary.
Unknown Speaker 14:41
We met in grade 10. Yeah. So we were in a linear class, which is like you have it all year but every second day in drama, like acting and social studies.
Unknown Speaker 14:51
Okay, so two classes they were lightness. Oh, yeah.
Unknown Speaker 14:54
Yeah, cuz they were like one day one day off. And we met in the social studies class. Our teacher made us do an ice breaker with the person who was sitting like behind us or something like that and Sam and I just like faithfully wipe a tear away, got paired up together, and it was just like this this beautiful little nest of a relationship was born. Wow.
Unknown Speaker 15:13
Yeah. Now Was this something that was so similar about you guys or perhaps with different like what was it that kind of I mean this is the chemistry of friendship chemistry what was it something that kind of drew you guys as friends together and it
Unknown Speaker 15:23
was just love it.
Unknown Speaker 15:25
I love that you don't simple simple and it could be just as simple as that. No,
Unknown Speaker 15:28
I don't know. Honestly like her for I can't speak to like what she felt was Yeah, probably fireworks. But
Unknown Speaker 15:35
I met her I was really drawn to her wit. She's super charming. She's super funny. Yeah, just and she's beautiful. And I was like damn, she got style and I was still like I'm right now I'm wearing like a baggy like sweatshirt. I was still wearing the ship. I
Unknown Speaker 15:49
didn't give a fuck. But that's that's cool too. So that's awesome that you guys were able to obviously drawn to each other and you guys became friends and have remained friends because I think for me, I've gone through different stages and from And chips as I grew through my stages in life, and I've got a different friendship group now than I've had maybe even four or five years ago. So that speaks a lot to your guys's ability to grow together as people but remain friends. Right?
Unknown Speaker 16:10
Well, and we did have a period where we weren't as close to friends because she was in Vancouver, doing her thing with social media and makeup and stuff and I was moving all around Canada. I was living a very different lifestyle and then we kind of like connected back together and I ended up moving into her house and now
Unknown Speaker 16:33
so from living like cities apart to now living together to right, that's me. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 16:36
Living and Working together. It shouldn't work, but it does.
Unknown Speaker 16:40
So that leads me to the next question, actually, because I'm I know I shared this with you, but are there any things like pet peeves that you guys have that you kind of see the tolerated or acceptable one look like? Okay, I'm just gonna let that slide.
Unknown Speaker 16:50
No, well, no, no, no, it's so funny because like when I was thinking about it, I was looking at her because I read these questions with her. Yeah. And I was like, gosh, I come back to this all the time, and I feel like broken record. Yeah, but if you love someone, you do things because it's important to them. So like even if something isn't important to me and it's important to like Sam or my partner or something, then I'll if it doesn't like, directly conflict with my morals right, then I'll just do it. And also, if I love somebody, they don't really piss me off, man. I don't know what it is like, yeah, things that annoy me in general are like people chewing loudly like the normal show.
Unknown Speaker 17:27
But that could be anybody. Yeah, exactly.
Unknown Speaker 17:28
But honestly, like with with real things, if I said something in a way that upset Sam, she would just tell me right and then I would change my verbiage because people receive information differently. And you kind of have to be like cognizant of that and and mindful of that, and it works vice versa. And because you have so much love for somebody, you don't want them to feel bad. Yeah. You want them to like you know, feel any type of way. So then you Yeah, you change your behavior. So really, no, I don't think
Unknown Speaker 17:56
No, I think that's awesome that you can you can honestly feel that way. I think There have been certain friends that I've had that, yeah, there may be somebody that ticked me off about them maybe a bad habit or something, and it actually felt like something that I was going to resent them for. Right. And obviously, that says a lot about maybe you know, my relationship with that person and why we're no longer friends. But it was never something that you would end up you know, you don't think you'd ever feel resentful about that person? I don't know. Always leaving their socks and, you know, in your face or whatever you whatever the bad habit is, right? Yeah. No, that's awesome.
Unknown Speaker 18:24
Yeah. I want to say like, we've gone through a couple, the only things that I feel like she gets frustrated with me about is when I'm not like giving myself enough credit. And then she like has a long conversation with me about it. And I feel like vice versa, like if she's feeling down or whatever, I'm just like, I wish that you could like go into my mind and see how like powerful you are.
Unknown Speaker 18:43
Yeah, you know, that's Well, now, you probably can't speak to this unless she tells you but
Unknown Speaker 18:50
is there something that she feels like that gives you obviously speaks so highly about her and what does she tell you about her leadership with you and how highly she Oh
Unknown Speaker 18:57
Unknown Speaker 19:02
Um, what the biggest thing that she brings up a lot is my positivity.
Unknown Speaker 19:08
And I see that I've known you for like, what a month.
Unknown Speaker 19:12
What am I right?
Unknown Speaker 19:13
Yeah, maybe like two months? Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny because it's something that I never noticed before. Like people would always say I was bubbly and stuff like that. But yeah, she just says that, like I I like, not introduced well, but like when I meet new people and stuff like that. I'm like, a positive person and stuff. And honestly, I feel really lucky because I don't have to try hard for it. And I think that maybe people think I do try really hard to be positive, but I'm just really frickin lucky. That's awesome. That it's kind of like a natural thing for me. I mean, I'm not like, I have my bad days. Yeah, but generally speaking, like she just does not bother me
Unknown Speaker 19:46
glasses usually half full and half empty.
Unknown Speaker 19:48
Yeah, for sure. That's awesome. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 19:50
that says a lot. Yeah, that's, that's really cool. And being able to approach life that way. I think it's a it's a different set of lenses than it is the other way around. And it can't really changes things so Oh yeah,
Unknown Speaker 20:02
I was just gonna say like, I do feel I don't really believe in like what, like the secret or anything like that, but I like my air quotes. Yeah, but I do feel like when I like if I'm having a bad day or bad things happen and it's not I it's not I don't think that more bad things happen. It's just that I'm like more aware of it. Yeah. Whereas if I'm in a positive state, there's still shit that could be going wrong but it's like if if I'm not focusing on that, like, I'm gonna leave that here, right I'm gonna leave that bad interaction over here and go on with my Yeah, yeah, totally. I really believe that. Like, if you want to lead a positive life, you can lead a positive life. Yeah, totally. Like,
Unknown Speaker 20:36
yeah, and I think I even talked about this with my last guest. The law of attraction, right? I think you really attract what you put out there. Yeah. And it goes to literally anything you talk about whether it's, you know, your career aspirations, or the people you want around your life, the relationships that you want to have, when you're putting out this energy, it's going to come back to you for sure, for sure, and sometimes more so than even you're putting out there. So So again, talking about this different topics in life that have been difficult. That's why you created approachable. How long have you been doing this now? How long is that show been on you guys?
Unknown Speaker 21:08
So we're almost like us like 10 nine months. Yeah long enough to grow baby but we didn't.
Unknown Speaker 21:15
This is your baby. Right and that's your
Unknown Speaker 21:17
Unknown Speaker 21:20
So what kind of long term visions do you have with it? So I understand you know where you're going with a conversation so you want to have what kind of long term visions you have with Simon you with this show with the show.
Unknown Speaker 21:30
I would love and this is the thing it's like we never had like a subscriber base or a viewcount that we wanted to hit. We really did genuinely just want to have these conversations. It's obviously more fun that there's more people listening course of course
Unknown Speaker 21:41
then you get the feedback.
Unknown Speaker 21:44
And it feels more like a community but the thing with having more notoriety is you become more like like a shiny object to bigger guests. Yeah, yeah, totally. I would love it if we could have on guests that we know are experts. in their field and stuff like that, because we do want to have guests on our podcast and in season one have a few. But it's really hard to find people who are willing to talk that publicly about what they do, because there can be scrutiny on the internet and like people coming at you that that have a different opinion or whatever. And that's hard when you're in a professional workplace. Yeah, for sure. Um, and be who are gonna say one or two anyway. Long on that is that it's hard in general to find experts. Yeah, for sure. If you don't know somebody personally, then you have to do okay, well, What school did they go to, like? What accolades do they have? Are they do they interview well, right? Because especially in in like lesser public, I guess professions, you know, some people aren't as open or maybe they have anxiety or something like that. And they actually can't come on the podcast. So it is it is difficult to find guests. So I think that our goal would be just to continue to grow so that we can put out even like, better and more interesting, cool content. Yes, we have access to these like, right. Yeah, the experts.
Unknown Speaker 23:04
Absolutely. And I think and I think you hit the nail on the head, I think you and I could talk about something that we're experiencing and kind of go off, you know, the experiences that we've had. But when you have somebody who's actually studying in our field and can speak, you know, more eloquently or more in education aspect. Absolutely, I totally agree. And I think that's where I'm gearing towards having people that can just, you know, talk you know, more intelligently about the topics that I want to talk about and I think will bring value to everyone else. So and I think you guys have grown your, I guess listener and follower base quite a bit now in those nine months. Did it help having your networks already whether it was Instagram or what other no social media networks or YouTube that it helped when you guys started approachable?
Unknown Speaker 23:45
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 23:50
I mean, Sam, when when we started had 2.1 million followers on Instagram,
Unknown Speaker 23:55
oh my god,
Unknown Speaker 23:56
and almost a million subscribers on YouTube. So I've never been shy about saying that that was our best? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 24:04
Yeah. And of course, and people did move over because they support Sam. And then eventually they started supporting me on the podcast as well. But yeah, obviously, right. I mean, if you already have people's attention, and they already trust and respect to you, they're gonna want to see what you do next. Right,
Unknown Speaker 24:20
hopefully. Yeah, no, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that's really cool that you guys were able to translate. She was able to even translate well in what was it like in makeup and beauty? That and then into a listener? base on complete topics completely unrelated to beauty.
Unknown Speaker 24:35
Absolutely. Right. Yes. It is crazy. Because I yeah, because beauty is such a different space. Yeah. And so for the kinds of people who want to learn about beauty and stuff like that to want to come and listen to literally anything else that we have. When like, Oh, well, who are we? Right? You know, people who do like makeup on the internet. Yeah, that's like really, really, where's the credibility
Unknown Speaker 24:55
in that one or something, right? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 24:57
Could be how some people could perceive it. For sure. So It is really cool. And we're super grateful. Like I wake up every I know this is so cheesy, but I wake up, I could cry. I wake up every day just like, Okay.
Unknown Speaker 25:07
This is a safe space, you're allowed.
Unknown Speaker 25:10
Unknown Speaker 25:12
Okay. And I think that's awesome that you have that kind of passion and the energy around it. Right? When I started this thing, I'm not an expert at every field. I did my personal training, I'm still doing that. But I honestly I've barely even talked about that. Because I think the conversation is more not about what I can do. But it's what is more valuable to other people who are listening. And I think you guys are having those conversations. And that's why people are listening, right? Because, honestly, there's a lot of topics that we're going to talk about today that if you ask me the same question, I have to really think about whether I can answer that right now. I'm saying yeah, so first of all, I want to acknowledge you for being on the show, and being open to talk about some of these topics, because I know they're not easy for anybody. Yeah, right. So I
Unknown Speaker 25:52
think that being there's such a need for vulnerability and authenticity, right on the internet, and A lot of people aren't in the position to be able to do that. And I'm really thankful that I can be. And by that, I mean like, my job isn't going to suffer because
Unknown Speaker 26:09
this is it.
Unknown Speaker 26:10
But I know that it's really hard because I was in in that sort of space for a long time. And I couldn't, I didn't feel like I could write, and now I can. And so yeah, I'm more than willing to be that person. And I've been met with a lot of positivity because of it. Yeah. Which is really great. Because if I was met with a lot of negativity, man, that would suck.
Unknown Speaker 26:29
Yeah, no, for sure. And it would probably, you know, minimize your ability to do that as well. Absolutely. I think people probably appreciate and look up to the fact that you can. So we're going to get into that a little bit more later on the tough stuff, I guess, as we call it. But I want to learn a little bit more about you and your journey to how you got to sitting in front of me today. Right. So before and I listened to some of your podcasts, your episodes, I understand that you had lived in other cities. So how was that experience? I know you live in Toronto for a little while.
Unknown Speaker 26:55
I did. Yeah. So I started moving around with a company that I used to work for cactus club cafe.
Unknown Speaker 27:02
Oh, that was that place? Yeah, we only my favorite my wife's a nice favorites. Really? Yeah. I'm telling my favorite order if you want Yes, please do. Okay, Creole Chicken.
Unknown Speaker 27:12
Chicken I'm not joking. Rice and broccoli. No,
Unknown Speaker 27:14
I'm good with just the way it is mashing the asparagus. And I always get an old fashioned with it. Oh, do you always and it doesn't have to be on happy hour.
Unknown Speaker 27:22
Okay, so he's not, he's not trying to get the discounts and
Unknown Speaker 27:26
then if I'm super hungry, I'll do the calimary as a starter. Okay. All right. So what's your favorite or so since you were you work there.
Unknown Speaker 27:33
It's changed so many times. But honestly, I don't know if I should like say this to people. But we like we're we're allowed to order different things
Unknown Speaker 27:41
off the menu. Sometimes Sometimes.
Unknown Speaker 27:44
If the chefs are feeling like they they're feeling kind of
Unknown Speaker 27:49
but I would say the modern bowl. Yeah, like it's filling enough like this is if I'm working on shift, right. It's filling enough that I'm not hungry by the end of my clothes, but it's not heavy like if you eat a meatballs bag and then try to go back to work. You're like bogged down in
Unknown Speaker 28:04
a rough night maybe especially once you hit like 25 I was when I was like 1992 I
Unknown Speaker 28:12
try to sleep now you gotta serve the rest of those days.
Unknown Speaker 28:15
Yeah, I'm drinking enough stress.
Unknown Speaker 28:17
That is hilarious. Okay, so you worked at Castle For how long?
Unknown Speaker 28:21
Unknown Speaker 28:21
years. Wow. Okay, now you started here or did you start the lobby? I know it started in North Vancouver. That was kind of
Unknown Speaker 28:26
Yeah. A lot of cactus knowledge. Told, you know, so I started Yeah, and I'll bring it I guess I'll bring it back around how it was. Yeah. So I started in Edmonton actually in West Edmonton. I moved right after high school to Edmonton and just walked in. I had actually applied at Boston Pizza because that was the restaurant I worked at previous okay. They didn't hire me. Sure. But like thank God and no shade to Boston Pizza. Yeah, obviously. Like my longest standing relationship is cactus. Right. Um, and I walked into cactus they hired me and I really fell in love. They had a Like a list of core values, they were really passionate about their training process. I mean, it can feel tedious at the time, for sure. But I really lived my life by those core values like inside and outside of work. It's huge, like continuous improvement and like, just all of them, like all the core values are so amazing. And yeah, so I worked there, I ended up having to leave West Edmonton really abruptly because I was in a really bad relationship. A bit. Yeah. I skipped town, and I ended up getting hired in the Kalona there was only one location at that time close to now. And I ended up getting hired because my, what was he at the time, he would have been a regional manager. He I was impact is having dinner and he was sitting at the table behind me, okay. And he was like, you don't work here. And I was like, Oh, no, and he was like, let's change that. And he was from Edmonton. Kelowna. So anyway, I got an interview with that cactus. And then I started working there. I worked there for I think three years. Okay. Before they had an opening, they were opening up Saskatoon. Okay. There's a location in Saskatoon and you can apply to be an opener. Okay, open new stores. And so I applied for that. Yeah. And I actually got accepted, which is funny because looking back at the time, I wasn't, I was not the greatest employee, like, I wasn't really passionate, but like, I mean, I wasn't the greatest bartender, I got a lot of training and
Unknown Speaker 30:24
I was gonna say, what, how bad can you be a bar? If you can't make a drink? Then you're a bad bartender. That's literally the one that
Unknown Speaker 30:28
well, but there's so much more to it because you like, Don't minimize my profession. Because like you You have to be like, dealing with so much have to be dealing with
Unknown Speaker 30:38
guest personalities. I know. Yeah. And
Unknown Speaker 30:40
like, then you're making the drinks and then it's like muscle memory and all this stuff. So it is like a lot.
Unknown Speaker 30:45
I'm totally fine. I couldn't I probably couldn't do it myself. Because there's like 900 things going on at the same time. It's
Unknown Speaker 30:52
hard and I feel like I just wasn't really there but they took a chance on me man and I think it paid off for both of us. Um, and I did I got accepted and I Went to Saskatoon and cool and that was really cool. I always talk about like, how Saskatoon changed my life. Because if you're in a certain place in your life and I truly believe this, and you want things to change, it's so hard to change if you don't change your surroundings, right your environment could call and changing my environment and anybody that I was surrounding myself with other than the cactus people because those were still like healthy people. It just like really changed my mindset and I became very like focused on what I wanted to do at cactus I was I was really into like, progressing myself there, right? I was making great money. I was living in an apartment by myself that like when you do opens for a certain amount of time, they will take care of like your accommodation, right? Like pretty well known until
Unknown Speaker 31:42
you get on your feet a little bit without location, even because
Unknown Speaker 31:44
sometimes you're only there for three months, okay? And they can't really expect you to be paying for like your I guess they could but they don't. But they Yeah, they'll like take care of your combination here so that you because you'll still be paying rent at home of
Unknown Speaker 31:58
Unknown Speaker 31:59
And So I just felt like is this my life like this is crazy. This is so cool and I met so many nice people and and Saskatoon can be very wholesome. Yeah, we went, like ice skating in the winter and we played like, capture the flag down by the river and stuff like that getting
Unknown Speaker 32:14
in the winter like August.
Unknown Speaker 32:16
Yeah. Man, I love the cold. I people think I'm freaking crazy. I loved walking home from work and like, My lips are so cold, they could barely move and my hands were like, crunching up and I was like, I look so cute. And
Unknown Speaker 32:29
I'm gonna ask you that question, but maybe I'll get that answer now. What season is your favorite? Oh, it is false. It is false. Okay, kind of like the cold
Unknown Speaker 32:36
Yeah, I like summer because I like the beach but it actually hurts my head. Like the sun all the time. Yeah, I get really bad migraines and, like a little tricky for me. I
Unknown Speaker 32:44
got a lot of sun in a day. Like I'm on the beach all day. Like I'll probably cut my eyes feel like they gonna pop out of me. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 32:48
Okay. Man. It's a thing. Yeah, totally. Um, anyway, like quick in this answer up. I'm going to keep you here for three hours. I went from Saskatoon and I decided that instead of moving back to Kelowna to continue on the trajectory, I moved to Vancouver to work at coal harbour to train high volume is what they call it. Because the reason that I wanted to open Saskatoon was because I knew they were opening Toronto. I said I wanted to get to Toronto so that I could act.
Unknown Speaker 33:15
Okay. Okay, at
Unknown Speaker 33:16
the time, this is what I thought like acting was you needed to be in Toronto, which like, obviously Vancouver's huge Right, right, hollywood
Unknown Speaker 33:21
Unknown Speaker 33:22
Yeah. But at the time, it was like Toronto was still the shit. And I knew I wouldn't be able to go to Toronto. If I didn't do an open. I just felt like I wasn't there yet. So I did Saskatoon and then I was like, I really want to do Toronto and they were like, let's train you high volume. Let's get you in Cole harbour. So I had an interview at Pearl Harbor. It went great. I got the job. And I worked there for nine months and I ended up being a trainer there as well. I was a trainer in Saskatoon as well. I train new bartenders, and then I started training people at cool harbor and then I actually I forgot about this I got offered a job a bar manager at a different location and then I got offered assistant bar manager harbor I like I totally forgotten Looking back at my shit, and I was like, Oh, yeah. And then I ended up instead going to Toronto, it was kind of like a choice situation. Okay, go to Toronto where you can stay in. Okay, this. And so I ended up going to Toronto and opening the first Canadian place location there, which is the first three level with an elevator. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 34:21
Okay, so wait, hold on. So thinking about high volume, what does that mean?
Unknown Speaker 34:23
Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. So there's stores that do less volume. So like less covers, okay, like less people right?
Unknown Speaker 34:31
There. There's less people. So high volume means more people.
Unknown Speaker 34:36
faster pace. Yeah. It's like the big leagues type of thing. And that's not to say that other locations aren't like as important. It's just a different type,
Unknown Speaker 34:43
different demographic, different area, whatever. Yeah. So
Unknown Speaker 34:46
cool. harbor is a very busy restaurant.
Unknown Speaker 34:48
Would you say Berard street is also a mental mental? Yeah. Yeah, I would say it's not a two level one. I know they have them. Okay.
Unknown Speaker 34:56
Yeah, they're like crazy low because they do a lot of their service in the day. Okay, it's lunchtime. Yeah. harbour is like busy like all the time.
Unknown Speaker 35:04
Okay, all the time. all day every day.
Unknown Speaker 35:06
It was one of my favorite locations. It's hard to say now but but I really loved the team there. Yeah, they were all so like on point they were just dialed in that team.
Unknown Speaker 35:15
Yeah. That's cool. So that transition then from Vancouver you decide, okay, no, I do want to get to Toronto and I'm going to go to Toronto. And so that's where you went.
Unknown Speaker 35:22
And that's where I went. And I trained there as well. I was one of the four four trainers, which was pretty cool. Being one of four coming from like, who I was at Saskatoon, like I just can't believe like the growth but that's the thing with cactus and this is now just gonna be about cactus. They really put the time into you like you know, if you work for them, they will work for you.
Unknown Speaker 35:41
Right they invest in you and you invest back Yeah, please mutual relief and
Unknown Speaker 35:45
they can feel it and I always told people that I was trading I'm like, if you think that they're not watching, you're wrong. Yeah, they are always watching even if they're not saying something and not in like a bad way but it's like, they have like eyes and they can feel you out if you're like, like, interested in like, first Your career and stuff like that. And and I haven't really seen somebody who wasn't interested not get something right, you know,
Unknown Speaker 36:08
right. They reward people who are invested and engaged with it with her.
Unknown Speaker 36:11
Absolutely. Oh, yeah. And yeah, so I was a trainer in Toronto and I was there for almost a year and I moved there actually, like, I got my own place and everything. Okay. And then my dad ended up getting really sick and I had to come home.
Unknown Speaker 36:24
Okay, and home is here. okolona Yeah, okay.
Unknown Speaker 36:29
Okay, I've only been to Cologne a couple times, but it's beautiful.
Unknown Speaker 36:32
Yeah, it sucks to grow up there, but it's nice to visit.
Unknown Speaker 36:36
Okay, so you move back to Kelowna. Obviously you said your dad was ill. Yeah. And then where did that transition to you coming back here to the city.
Unknown Speaker 36:44
So after colonna I dealt with like my dad's estate and everything like that, and then they were opening a different type of concept. The cactus club owns tap house in park, Royal Oak. You know, top Oh, yeah, of course. And so they opened something kind of similar. It's called King taps in Toronto. And they asked me, or I asked them can't remember to open that location with them. And so it's okay. It's more of a beer concept location. So instead of like, like French sort of cuisine, like casual fine dining, it was more of like craft beer and liquor, that kind of thing. And so I packed my bags, and I moved to Toronto again, wow.
Unknown Speaker 37:26
If you Okay, I'm gonna say something about that. And I had this conversation again with another guest, but your ability to be so mobile, there was something about that, that scared me, especially at that age. I was young, and I'm going to tell the story real quick. But I was in I hadn't a choice of any school really, I wanted to go and play football at when I was coming out of high school, and at the time, 1718 and I didn't have the maturity to say, you know what, I'm going to pack up my life and just go somewhere and experience it. I didn't really have any other mentors. Besides my mom. She'd moved all the way from the Philippines to come here and start a life but besides her to like pack up her the love their lives, and just Move on. So for you to be able to do that multiple times, yeah says a lot like, what did that teach you?
Unknown Speaker 38:08
Oh, it taught me that the world is so big. Yeah. And that like, if you feel like you're again, I could cry. If you feel like you're stuck. Yeah. It's it's so small, like what you're dealing with is so so little of the world, and you can pick up and move yourself. Like when I started flying around like that. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. I was like, this plane can take me anywhere. I was like, This is fucking wild dude. I grew up in Colonia, it's a small city. And once I started like going to Toronto and stuff, it's like, I'm walking down the streets where I don't know where they lead, right? And I'm finding new cafes and new restaurants and I'm like, I'm over here. I'm taking the subway. I've never taken a subway bar. It was so amazing. And like if you if I had an opportunity in like LA or New York or literally anywhere, and you told me that I could take that opportunity to pack my bags right now.
Unknown Speaker 38:53
Do you want to come
Unknown Speaker 38:55
with me? So that's actually another thing. I want to ask you about that because you Your ability to make that decision not necessarily on a whim, but because you're so open to change. How does that how has it impacted relationships that you've had? Because I would imagine for me anyway, at the time, I was like, I don't wanna leave my girlfriend. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna stay here. Like, how did that impact or how how would it impact it for you?
Unknown Speaker 39:17
It gets easier is what I'll say. Like the more that you do it, the more you realize like the the real friendships, they'll stick it out no matter what, it doesn't matter and you'll make it work. Yeah, um, but relationship wise like I I just, I never was worried about it. I was like, you can either come with me or you can stay right but I'm never and I still feel this way. I'm never going to change the way that I want my life to look for another person. And that can be detrimental because I'm, I'm not really willing to be like making concessions and stuff like that or like compromises in that aspect. I can compromise a lot of shit, but not what I want my life to look like. And so the the only serious boyfriend that I had When I moved was when I moved from Kelowna to King taps to Toronto. Okay, and he did an upcoming with me.
Unknown Speaker 40:07
Oh, no way. So he went from Kelowna with you
Unknown Speaker 40:09
live there together for Yeah, the whole time and a half. Yeah. And then he moved back to Vancouver with me as well. Okay. And that's the thing, it's like you, I think that if I think that if I didn't have a lot going on which like would suck, but if I didn't have a lot going on and my partner had a great opportunity, I would do the same because again, I have to like weigh the pros and cons. Okay, what's going to make me happier staying in this city, right don't really have a whole lot going on with some friends or moving with like, potentially the love of my life watching him grow and him succeed. And, and if I don't have a lot going on here, imagine what I can create for myself right here, right? And it's just like, I'm not scared of that. Like, I know that I'm a capable person. I know that I have great work ethic. So I know that I'm worthwhile. Right. So why can't I thrive in any invite?
Unknown Speaker 40:57
Yeah, absolutely. So would you say that because of your Look in your ability to do that. Would you say that FOMO is not a thing for you?
Unknown Speaker 41:08
You're missing I, you know what, I have a fear of you
Unknown Speaker 41:10
do it. That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm getting it. So you go and do it right.
Unknown Speaker 41:14
Yeah. I was just gonna say I'm like, you know what, I don't miss out though. Like, I feel like, Yeah, well, that's and that's the thing, like I came from such like a lifestyle and Kalona where it was like to the next party to the next party, and I would be laying in bed being like, dude, you need to just like fucking sleep tonight. But I did have FOMO I say, but it's like, looking back at that now. I'm like, dude, I've I can guarantee you I've been to every party. Yeah, there is not one type of party I have. And I don't care. Yeah. And people who are like, oh, like, we're going to Vegas. I'm like, cool. I'll probably go again. One day. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 41:41
So you feel like you've experienced it all. Now. It's kind of behind you now. Right?
Unknown Speaker 41:45
Yeah. And not not that. Like, I don't want to experience some things again, but it's just like, I know that if I want something, I will make it happen. Yeah. And Sam told me something a couple years ago, when I was kind of feeling like shitty about my life. kept saying like, I want this, I want this. And she just kept saying this time next year. Yeah. She's like, think about how much you can do in a year. Yeah. And that's what I say to people now. And that's what I say to myself all the time. I'm like, Oh, I want this and I'm like this time next year and man, it's true. It is this time next year. There you go.
Unknown Speaker 42:15
Well, that does speak a lot to your ability to be to just commit when you commit to something. What you can do in nine months, whatever 12 months, right, look how far you've gone approachable in nine months.
Unknown Speaker 42:26
Yeah. Wow, I really have no chill. Like you just go
Unknown Speaker 42:29
go go all the time.
Unknown Speaker 42:30
Yeah, even like last night, I decided I wanted to start like skipping rope like a boxer game. So I ordered a skipping rope. Okay, this like was two days ago that I decided this. My skipping rope came in and I was like, on my Instagram, like people need to like show me how I'm like sending videos to my like followers. They're like giving me tips back on there watching YouTube videos. Like I'm like whipping myself. And the fact is, like, when I want to do something I like I do.
Unknown Speaker 42:54
Just do we just go
Unknown Speaker 42:55
I'm like, I'm gonna get good at this. I'm gonna do it. And then you know, I'm gonna skip like a boxer.
Unknown Speaker 43:00
Right, right well you know, it's interesting you say that and I and I can almost echo that but exactly what we're doing right now like this conversation would have been very difficult for me a few years ago and because not that i was i was just very shy growing up and people were like you know, whatever bullshit you know you're not shy, you know, the shy person at all. But I was and it takes a lot of effort to be able to for people who aren't naturally that to come out of their shell and just be able to have a conversation. I couldn't approach girls I couldn't you know, just meet like, if it was like a semi famous person, like, you know, who was it that Jim Patterson so he's a local kind of big business person here in Vancouver. Anyway, I saw him and you know out before I would have been so afraid to just say something but now it's just like Hey, man, nice to meet you. I know all about you. And now that could have been it but the fact is, I wasn't afraid to say something right so talking about you know, stepping out of your comfort zone and just going and fucking no no chill doing it. So what are the things now then that are no chill that you're just going to go after it Now besides boxing because I know you just took that up?
Unknown Speaker 43:54
I did. Yeah. And like that's the thing is like, I don't just go to a boxing class like I have my raps. I have my gold I was like I'm signed up on Wednesday I have my skip
Unknown Speaker 44:01
look what's behind you
Unknown Speaker 44:04
can you show me some stuff?
Unknown Speaker 44:05
Yeah, well I'm learning myself so anyway behind Alyssa is a big heavy bag and I've got a double end bag so I was taking a boxing myself I think it was a really good way to you know really sweat it out so anyway we've got that setup in our gym and it's behind all this right now in the in the studio.
Unknown Speaker 44:21
Um, yeah, so I am I'm focusing on Boxing I'm really focusing on my body this year I went through we'll get into like I know that you have like my alcohol use on on the little sheet there so we'll get into it but I went through this like big like long saga with my body where I just like I didn't feel sexy. I felt really ugly and like, just so tired all the time and and I started when I quit drinking alcohol, which we'll get to I started to notice that I was feeling better and then I had so much more time in the day, right? And so I was like, Okay, well I heard about this orange theory thing started taking orange theory. I mean, I lost like 10 pounds in like no time fly, right because I wasn't drinking on my couch. And and so I've kind of just progressed and like I'm 30 pounds down in like seven months or whatever. And I'm like, I'm, like, killing it. If I can pat myself on the back, like, I just should, I feel so strong. I feel so confident. And I'm just like, I feel so happy, right? So I'm really glad continuing to focus on not the way that my body looks, but the way that my body feels. And I really mean that, like sometimes people say that and you're like, yeah, I can. Right.
Unknown Speaker 45:20
Right. But it is how I feel.
Unknown Speaker 45:23
Like bullshit, whatever.
Unknown Speaker 45:24
But it is how I feel because like, it's nice to have energy and shit like that. So I'm really focusing on that which I have no chill with. Boxing. I want to learn how to swing dance.
Unknown Speaker 45:33
Unknown Speaker 45:34
Um, so there I'm taking something at rhythm city downtown.
Unknown Speaker 45:39
Oh, I signed up for American Sign Language again. Wow. Okay. at a college here.
Unknown Speaker 45:45
Is there any reason why you want to learn
Unknown Speaker 45:47
so I already knew sign language when I was in high school,
Unknown Speaker 45:50
and I was fluent way. That's cool. Yeah, show me a thing or two that
Unknown Speaker 45:54
well, that's the thing. You don't use it. You lose it. Gotcha. So I really like I can get by But I'm not nearly what I was before. Yeah. And so I kind of like started feeling upset about that. And then I was like, Okay, well if I don't like that about myself and change it, and then I went online and then
Unknown Speaker 46:11
on Saturday, I have my first class
Unknown Speaker 46:12
of that, you know, that's awesome. And you're dabbling in all these different things and it's not just all like physical related as well. It's just like, you're kind of immersing yourself in all these different like skills and things right
Unknown Speaker 46:23
I love that like learning I love that Yeah, and I'm still I'm still acting and stuff like that. But honestly, with the podcast and stuff, I feel like my creative outlet is being fulfilled Yeah, so I kind of did take a step back a little bit from acting over the last couple months to really like focus on my YouTube channel on the podcast and then again on myself Yeah, absolutely furthering my skills
Unknown Speaker 46:43
like household by virtue of you focusing on these things that like you said, creative all it yourself, your physical, you know, wellness and stuff. You're focusing on yourself and it's kind of all goes hand in hand, right? Yeah. So I think what you touched on a little bit earlier and we can get into it because I know Alyssa is you know, got quite a vast amount of experience in different things that a lot of people perhaps would not be open to talking about. And you alluded to it earlier, which was your alcoholism and what that was for you. So can you talk us through a little bit of why or how that all started as a catalyst for that?
Unknown Speaker 47:14
Yeah. So first off, I don't identify as an alcoholic. Okay, but I do feel like I have alcohol use disorder. I see.
Unknown Speaker 47:20
Okay, what is it? What is the distinction?
Unknown Speaker 47:23
I feel like a lot of people don't really know about alcohol use disorder, but it's more so so alcoholism is like when you have like a physical dependency, okay. And I talked about this on the podcast, we're actually had my notes so I don't want to do it a disservice by like, saying like, incorrect. Yeah, but alcohol use disorder is more so. In my case, you can not have a drink and like, be physically fine. But if I have a drink, there's no, there's no end. I will keep drinking. Gotcha. And it's impressive how much my body can take. I never would get to the point like you know, when people are like at a party and they're drinking and drinking and drinking, and then they throw up Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 48:00
Unknown Speaker 48:01
I could just keep drinking until I literally passed out. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 48:04
Yeah. Not in a good way. But, but it's amazing that your body was able to do that.
Unknown Speaker 48:08
Yeah. And it's like, even like 30 pounds ago. It's not like I'm like a, you know, seven foot tall. Yeah, you know male because men do prop process alcohol differently than women. Right? Um, but yeah, it was just like, my body was like, Yes, I'll just keep accepting this vileness that you're growing me. But the the catalyst for me stopping alcohol is that we were going to Yeah, I was having, like so funny to talk about now. I was having heart pain.
Unknown Speaker 48:33
Oh my god. Like I should probably do something about this. probably get this checked out.
Unknown Speaker 48:37
Yeah. So I was having what I thought was heart pain and it was just chest pain, not just chest pain, but it was like some pretty serious chest pain and it was four months and I ended up going to Vegas with my family. Who is like also didn't realize that I could drink so much and be like fine basically like you would be shocked to see how much I could drink and still act like a totally like normal, right like it's over. Yeah, yeah. Because I was drinking so much. It was wild and people didn't even really know. Right? Um, but they were just like, shocked to like a drink so much. But when I got back from that trip, my chest pain was so severe, like it was really hurting. And Sam finally was like, dude, you gotta go to the doctor. Yeah, I was like something you should do. So, when I was at the doctor, she was asking me all these questions about my pain and stuff like that. And one of the questions was how much I drank in a week. And I lied, and I cut it basically in half, which is really, really dangerous. You should never lie to a doctor because they're just not judging you. You know,
Unknown Speaker 49:30
they'll probably just sniff it right out of you anyway.
Unknown Speaker 49:32
Yeah, exactly. But anyway, I did. I cut it basically in half. And she was like, what I can only assume was horrified. And so the fact that like, she was horrified by how much I was drinking, and I already cut it in half. Yeah, I was like, Listen, this is
Unknown Speaker 49:46
good. I know what it was like. What am I doing?
Unknown Speaker 49:49
So something that she said that she was concerned about, but that was not likely? It was alcoholic cardiomyopathy.
Unknown Speaker 49:54
Okay. Wow, that's a mouthful.
Unknown Speaker 49:56
Yeah. So again, I don't want to do it a disservice. They don't have the notes in front of me, but I'm pretty Sure, don't quote me. Yeah. It's like the thinning of the of the heart whining or the wall or something like that. It's really dangerous, right? And oftentimes, the only way to come back from it is to completely stop drinking. Or, you know, sometimes it's too far gone anyway. Okay, um, but that scared the shit out of
Unknown Speaker 50:16
me. Yeah, obviously, I'd be freaking freaking out.
Unknown Speaker 50:18
Yeah. And that's, that's exactly what she said to me. She said, it's unlikely it's or no, she said, it's very rare for a person at your age to have this usually it's like older alcoholics, right? But she said, the amount that you're drinking makes me concerned that you have alcoholic cardiomyopathy, and I was like,
Unknown Speaker 50:37
immediately got into my heart and research alcoholic cardiomyopathy and bawled my frickin eyes out my dog, and I quit drinking that day. didn't quit drinking forever, though, because.
Unknown Speaker 50:47
Anyway, I quit drinking for a week. I think it was because I had Vegas back to back. So I went with my family and then it was my other best friend's 30th birthday.
Unknown Speaker 50:55
You're back there, like within a week?
Unknown Speaker 50:57
Yes. So I quit drinking for a week. My pain went away. Completely, so I'm good. I'm good. But that's what I thought. And I was like, All right, let's get up in Vegas. Right and so we did. I mean, she didn't. I did. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 51:09
And what do you know? My pain came back.
Unknown Speaker 51:14
And I'd finally sobered up
Unknown Speaker 51:15
before on the way back this you find? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 51:17
Because I'd like finally sobered up and man, I felt shit that day. That was my last hangover was June 15. Yeah, June 15. And man, did I ever feel bad? I didn't even feel like a human. Oh, it was so brutal. And my pain was just so severe. And I was like, I don't want to do this anymore, man. Yeah, I just don't. I'm going to like try to stop drinking for a bit. Right. And so I did. I stopped drinking for two weeks. And it was really, really hard. Like, I have so much content on the internet about it. But it was really hard and I had to stop doing a lot of things. And it was almost like I was experiencing everything new for the first time because I haven't really lived a sober life since I was 16.
Unknown Speaker 51:57
That's crazy in mass how old you are now.
Unknown Speaker 51:59
I'm 2620 So for 10
Unknown Speaker 52:00
years, you're telling me you don't remember a time when you were completely sober?
Unknown Speaker 52:04
Yeah, I know. I mean, I tried to get sober a lot of times. Right, right. And so there was one time when I was in Toronto that I was sober for two months. And then I fell back off. And I at the time, I didn't even really see it as getting sober. Yeah, but now looking back, I'm like, okay, you know,
Unknown Speaker 52:18
you're right. You know, now, would you say, being in the restaurant industry, the food industry? I would imagine that didn't help necessarily be around you all the time. And you were a bartender. Right. So
Unknown Speaker 52:28
yeah, I mean, it is easier, right? Because it was socially acceptable. But that's how I feel about about alcohol use disorder in general, because I think a lot of people can can struggle with it. And it Yeah, even even like seeing the bankers and stuff like that, Toronto drinking so much day after day, and I'm like, but you probably don't even like recognize, right? Because it's so socially acceptable in so many different professions, for sure. And now on the outside looking back in because I went through this, like, sobriety is such a crazy journey. Like I only been sober for like seven months. So I know like,
Unknown Speaker 52:59
I don't minimalized a long time for a lot of people,
Unknown Speaker 53:02
right? I mean, I get imposter syndrome over it. But it's such a crazy journey because at first I was like, I'm just gonna be sober now. Yeah. And I don't know, like, I can't imagine a life without alcohol. And now I'm looking at these people who are not in a judging way. But I'm just like, I can't imagine. I used to go. I was talking to Sam about this last night. I used to wake up in the morning, and we would text our friends and we'd say, what do you want to do today? Okay, let's go to Real Sports Bar. That was the plan for the day,
Unknown Speaker 53:27
right? Okay, go to the bar and just chill out
Unknown Speaker 53:30
eight hours, 10 hours, just drinking. There's no other activity going on. And I told my therapist, I was like, it's crazy. This seven months has felt like seven years because I have so much time I was living my life on like, eight hours a day, right? Because I would get up I would probably be hungover. Right? Well, then oh, but I know, right? And then I'm doing what I need to do for the day I get home. I crack my first beer. I don't finish drinking until I go to bed. Right? And it's like, sometimes I would buy a whole case because at the time I had a partner and it's like, Okay, well, I don't really want them to know how much I drank. So I would buy separate from myself. Like if that's not addictive tendencies? I don't know.
Unknown Speaker 54:02
Yeah, yeah, right. whoever you're with
Unknown Speaker 54:05
Yeah. And not that I needed to like he was a very, very accepting partner. But yeah, I was just like, looking back I'm like, it's absolutely crazy that I lived my life like this for so long and that it was causing me so much anxiety. Okay, so yeah, everybody's like on their toes and wondering if I have alcoholic cardiomyopathy? I don't.
Unknown Speaker 54:25
But my pain is
Unknown Speaker 54:25
Unknown Speaker 54:26
Yeah, I had all of these tests done like EKG blood work holter monitors. My chest pain was caused from anxiety on the guilt and shame that I was feeling about drink
Unknown Speaker 54:35
Okay, so it wasn't so it was associated but not directly correlated with alcoholism.
Unknown Speaker 54:40
Yeah, so thankfully, I don't have like my liver functions are fine. Like that. Um, but yeah, it's just wild.
Unknown Speaker 54:46
Well, before we move on to something else I think you just mentioned but how did you feel because i don't know if i personally ever felt that feeling where I could just drink and really no one else would know the difference, but I know I am. It's almost just like me. You know, sipping on this bottle of water right now it could have been, it could have been vodka for all we know. And no one would really know the difference. That was me, by the way, right? Okay, so let's see what I mean. So what, how did it? How did it make you feel on that being the daily basis because I know I need water every day throughout the day. But as you are consuming this, how differently would you have felt if you weren't drinking that much? I guess the question, you see the decision, right? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 55:24
like me back then. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 55:27
Unknown Speaker 55:28
I feel like I know what you're saying. So I'll answer it in the way that is in my brain. back then. There was no there was nothing else that I wanted, other than the next drink. I see. Yeah, it was like, it just makes me like so emotional to think about because it's like, That's such a sad existence. And like, I'm so thankful that I'm not there. Right, right. But I'm like, how did I not notice Anyway, um, every time I would go to do an activity, I would be thinking, Okay, does that activity include somewhere that has alcohol? Are we going to go to a restaurant I would pick restaurants based If they served alcohol or not, and I wouldn't go if they didn't serve alcohol, like places like Wendy's and McDonald's and stuff like that I would never go to centered around that.
Unknown Speaker 56:07
You were being made based on where the accessibility was.
Unknown Speaker 56:10
Right? Yeah, my entire day. And for a long time, and even when my dad passed, and it's crazy to think back to but I would walk around with one of those like big Starbucks venti cups with vodka water in it, because like that was the only and I didn't really think anything of it, to be quite honest with you. I was just like, this is what's getting me through the day I would go for like walks with my partner with that meant a cup. He knew that it was in there, right? But I just be sipping on sipping on hey, yeah, and and honestly, I didn't even realize I think the reason I realized it was such a problem even before cuz I knew even before that, Dr. was because previously I was surrounded by all of these people who were doing similar things.
Unknown Speaker 56:51
Yeah, it was around you all the time.
Unknown Speaker 56:52
Yeah. And then moving in with Sam and she doesn't drink and not because she feels like she has a problem. She just never got into it. She doesn't like it. That's awesome. And her husband doesn't really drink either. I mean when you I mean when your wife doesn't drink like you really like got wasted by yourself? Probably not yeah um but it really made me realize like well she goes up to her bedroom and just goes to bed or she's like doing art or doing something else creative and like I'm up here like my days like shot right I'm already drinking. Yeah, yeah. And so it really made me like think about like going to the refrigerator and grabbing another one and then realizing in my brain Okay, why can't not like my hands going in there. And I'm saying don't do it.
Unknown Speaker 57:32
Yeah, I still doing it. Right. Yeah. Wow, that's tough. Now, I think you just mentioned a little bit earlier when you were talking about you know, you going back to Cologne Oh, now would you attribute the fact that your dad passed to to this at all to you know, your your consumption of alcohol and how dependent you were on it at the time? No, it's completely separate. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 57:49
yeah, I would say because I was already like, 16 Man, that was when I really started like, hitting the Yeah, the mind altering substances.
Unknown Speaker 57:59
You started early?
Unknown Speaker 58:02
Yeah, um, I think that it probably at the time.
Unknown Speaker 58:08
I don't even know maybe the volume a little bit. But no, I was still like drinking a lot in Toronto. So
Unknown Speaker 58:13
you were already you were already immersed in it, and therefore it wouldn't have made much difference. You know, given that such a tragic thing that happened.
Unknown Speaker 58:20
Yeah, I think probably for like a couple of weeks, I drank like quite a bit more than I normally would have. And definitely when I was cleaning out his house and stuff like that, I definitely because I really wouldn't like get drunk in the middle of the day, unless I was like planning to. And there was some days where I didn't plan to get drunk in the middle of the day, and it was noon and I was like, tripping up the stairs. But more so what I would say is that my dad's passing put me on a good trajectory. Interesting, because it really, really changed my life. It really made me see the bigger picture. That sounds cheesy, but you know, he only got 56 years. Wow. Yeah. Wow, that's not very long and I'm 26 You know,
Unknown Speaker 59:00
yeah, 30 years, right? Yeah, seem like a long time.
Unknown Speaker 59:03
No, and especially when you only have eight hours a day.
Unknown Speaker 59:05
That's true. That's true. The rest of its, you know, trying to, you know, sleep off whatever you drink. Exactly.
Unknown Speaker 59:09
And it made me a lot more of a compassionate, compassionate person. I had a big chip on my shoulder, I had a lot of bitterness back then. And I was really not living like an authentic life. I really, I don't even really think I knew who I was. I was living like this party persona or who, wherever I was living whoever I was with, if I was like, hanging around a lot of famous people, if you're an athlete, or if I was hanging around people in the music world or whatever. I was just kind of like, transitioning my being into what they like sheep
Unknown Speaker 59:37
shifting into their lifestyle. I see. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 59:40
And, and it was, honestly like, I look back at those times a little bit fondly, because it's like cool memories, but I'm so thankful I'm not there anymore. Yeah, yeah. Um, and then, uh, yeah, once my dad passed, I everything else didn't matter anymore. All of this like trying to put on a show bullshit. I was like, I do not have time for that anymore. I don't have time to sit at at a table with you with my back straight, like tucking my hair behind my ears and pursuing my lips. Like I don't give a fuck
Unknown Speaker 1:00:06
yeah, it puts things into perspective so much. Yeah, what something like that happens. Yeah, that's incredible. And obviously, that was something that I wasn't sure if you were something you would be open to talking about, but I appreciate you sharing that. It was at least something that you were able to take and make, you know, make yourself better in some way. You learned a few things from it. Yeah, absolutely. Now talking about a loss like that. For me. I mean, I'm fortunate enough on wood that I haven't had anybody close to me pass but last year, my cousin passed away. And he was like a bigger brother to me when I was growing up. I had moved here from the Philippines when I was seven years old. And he was that bigger older brother, to me, not even really a cousin but it didn't really we kind of lost touch and he moved from another city and moved here and didn't really connect with him as much as I would happen of course when someone like that someone passes you tend to realize in retrospect like holy shit why what was I thinking? Why didn't I get on that and so I have this feeling and like you said certain things like that when that happens in your in your life it almost is a catalyst for positive change, right and so to me I'm it's become more of okay well be more present when I'm with people that I'm around or be more present with people that I don't see quite as often. You know, my phone was always be there other people's lives aren't quite as important whatever's on Instagram and the stories and all that stuff. It really does put things into perspective. But what about the relationships outside of just family like how did that shape you and who you are now because I'm sure relationships played a major factor in your in your life leading up to today? You're in one right now.
Unknown Speaker 1:01:48
I am in one. Yeah, I know. I know what's funny. I read that question that you sent me. Are you single and I was like, man, my father's been trying to get it out of me. Oh,
Unknown Speaker 1:01:57
better tune in. Now. It's out.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:01
I'm sorry, what was the question?
Unknown Speaker 1:02:04
The question was, well, the role that relationships have played in your life because there's friendships and then there's family relationships. But I mean more on the romantic side of relationships because I've had, you know, my share of failed relationships, and I know how impactful they've been both in the negative and positive side. They taken a lot out of me, especially because I really invest into my relationship. So how has that been for you? And how have you approach relationships as you grown?
Unknown Speaker 1:02:28
Yeah, it's funny. My first boyfriend, everybody told me like, I wasn't in love. I'm too young to be in love. Like, whatever, all that bullshit. You're wrong. Okay. That was some shit.
Unknown Speaker 1:02:39
Unknown Speaker 1:02:40
long. Like I was talking to Sam about it. I talked to him about everything the other day. And she said to me, she's like, I remember you coming to me, like four years after you guys broke up. And you said, When does it stop hurting? I'm like my years later. It took me so long to get over that guy and I still have love for Hampshire. I still care about him. And but it's just like it's crazy. I thought I would never get under that spell. But that love was so like so all consuming so like, Oh, it was like codependent from Maya and right. I just wanted every moment to like, be with him. And I would like sometimes even when we were like snuggling, I would have to tell myself in my brain like, okay, like lock in this feeling because he's gonna leave at some point. Like, you just want to eat this.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:28
Unknown Speaker 1:03:29
that's like, that's overwhelming. That's an overwhelming type of situation.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:33
Crazy. It's wild. Why? Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 1:03:36
Yeah. And after that relationship, it was it was really like it was not a good relationship. Like the the feelings that I felt were very real. But the relationship was it was young. So I was 15 like, 1516 and he was a little bit older. But yeah, it was crazy. And after that relationship, I remembered saying like, I don't want to be in love again. Like this is too much for me to broke you so much. It really did. Yeah, and he did really I think that's where a lot of my like jaded ness came from was that relationship and honestly, it's it's like what he did to me Nobody can do something to you right What? What I What happened? Yeah, duty yeah yes, I'm I'm still dealing with today a lot of the way that I see my body a lot of how I feel like men feel about me what I feel like I'm deserving of a lot of that is and what I'm not deserving of is directly related to that relationship and so I'm still frickin peeling away the layers of of that shit and I'm 26 and that was like, that's 10 years ago.
Unknown Speaker 1:04:38
But you know what, though there's shit that's happened like in people as they were children that linger with them today like I always go back is one of my great example is Lewis house. he's a he's another podcaster and he's a great mentor for me, but he had abuses when he was a child and it's only now in his 30s that he's actually written a book and talked about it and no one's really known about this kind of sexual abuse as a Kid. And I mean a relationship in a same way, whatever negative aspects of that relationship are still lingering now 10 years really is not that long. So I wouldn't blame me for feeling jaded about the certain things that have come out of that relationship. All right. Now, how is that impacted? Now the relationship that you have? Because I imagine, you know, you're you're happy in your relationship?
Unknown Speaker 1:05:22
Yeah. Um, honestly, I went through like a long, a long period of dating. Before I got into I would, I would say, like, my most healthy relationship, and I won't really speak about my relationship, this current one just because it's like, it's pretty new, but we're like having Love it, love it love. But I can speak about my my previous relationship because he was kind of with me when, like, we started on social media and stuff and, and that was the first relationship that I felt like was, Oh, this is what it's supposed to be.
Unknown Speaker 1:05:52
Yeah, yeah. Because
Unknown Speaker 1:05:53
after the first guy, I did it another guy where it was similar, but even like, even more abusive, and I felt frickin Head over heels in love with him to like it was crazy. I was like so obsessed. And then I went on this like sort of path of like, Huh, like dating you for three months and then four months and then like, I'm like,
Unknown Speaker 1:06:12
that's not dating, but
Unknown Speaker 1:06:14
Unknown Speaker 1:06:19
So you went through the spurts of like shorter relationships. And what was that? Why was it? Why were you like, okay, three or four months? That's too much, man. Gotta go. I don't know what it was.
Unknown Speaker 1:06:27
I honestly don't think that I was in. I don't think I was not that I wasn't worthy of a relationship, but I wasn't myself. And I think it's really hard to be with anyone else when you don't know who you
Unknown Speaker 1:06:39
are, how you are. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 1:06:40
and some of those guys. They broke up with me. Some of them I broke up with them, but it was just like they weren't right for me anyway, because I didn't know who was right for me because I didn't know who I was. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 1:06:50
but my most previous my most recent x. him and I were together for three years and he came I've known him my whole life. Like he was my brother's best friend growing up, and we dated like so long ago. And then he ended up like moving all the way across the world. So we did long distance and stuff like that. And he ended up moving back to Kelowna. The same week that I moved back for my dad, and he lived in Australia. Okay, so like, that's a weird coincidence. Absolutely. And he basically took me out the first day that he got there, and to like, really solidify this Oh, really? Okay. Like, I'm not like, I
Unknown Speaker 1:07:26
gotta mean something.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:26
Yeah, I had only been there for three days. He's like, right.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:29
Chop, chop. Interesting. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 1:07:30
And we, we did it for three years. And it was it was what I would say is like a healthy relationship. It was it like living together was what I had always hoped it would be like, and he was very kind and understanding and compassionate and doting. And even when I didn't love my body, he would be like, babe, like, you're so sexy. Like, I think you're sexy. Like, no matter what and all this stuff and like he I never changed in his eyes, even though like I definitely just like he didn't Never saw me any different. And the only reason Honestly, it was just a difference of like, how we saw our lives and stuff like that. And it just there was like, there's no hard feelings between us like we still love each other very much. Yeah. But yeah, that was the first relationship where I was like, oh, okay, this was real like
Unknown Speaker 1:08:19
I would you guys still friends now?
Unknown Speaker 1:08:21
Oh, yeah, we talked. That's awesome.
Unknown Speaker 1:08:22
Yeah, I want to go back to what you said earlier about it was kind of a coincidence or felt like coincidence when you had moved back Kelowna. And he'd moved back around the same time. Now I have a belief about coincidences. And I used to believe exactly the same thing. Like I would run into somebody that I was, you know, really interested in in like a completely random place. I'm like, this has got to mean something world's telling me She's my God. That's it. I'm gonna chase that and whatever. And it didn't work out obviously. And it really made me think what are these significance is or science and so ever since then, I realized there's this quote that I live by. There really are no coincidences in life, just opportunities. You can either choose to act upon or walk past and so now going back to What you said about he was like okay, well shit I better get on this now because we just live in town like the same day blah blah blah. He jumped on an opportunity now would you still see it as a coincidence now that I framed it in that difference?
Unknown Speaker 1:09:11
Yeah, I don't think I ever really did think it was a coincidence. I thought it was pretty wild and I yeah, I don't really think I believe in fate. But I do I do believe that there's a reason that people are at the same place as you at the same time or like that something comes into your life yeah a certain time like I really needed him in my life at that time and maybe he needed me to I don't know I can't speak on His behalf but but yeah, and same with literally anything same with like Sam and Yeah, same same with my dad passing honestly. Like if and I don't want people to take that in the wrong way. But like, I can't imagine what my life would look like if I didn't have something so monumental in my life change me
Unknown Speaker 1:09:48
right. The growth that came from it
Unknown Speaker 1:09:49
exactly right. Yeah. Because I wouldn't change for anybody like my mom tried. My dad tried like, I there was no like penetrating this brick wall.
Unknown Speaker 1:09:57
Yeah, you were who you were. And not to be Yeah, yeah, that's really cool. You see that? I thought that was really Jonathan Swan to ask you. Okay, so from relationships, you're in one now. Now, going back to a little bit to the things that you had gone through, you'd mentioned about anxiety. And that was really the reason why you had a heart chest pain. So what happened there? talk to you about that, like, Why were you feeling the this anxiety? Where was that stemming from?
Unknown Speaker 1:10:26
So alcohol like raises your anxiety anyway. So it was somewhat related in the hangover somewhat. Yeah, it's 100% related. Not i do i do have anxiety in general, like generalized anxiety. I think because I got it when I was 19. And maybe we'll talk about it another time. But But yeah, so I do have Generalized Anxiety but um, the alcohol is really stressful on your body, man. Yeah, and like the hang I can't remember what people call it. It's like the anxiety hangover something but more. So what it was was I was feeling a lot of guilt and shame and people. I don't think people realize how powerful guilt is, and how powerful shame is and if you like, put yourself into like a shame corner. Like Yeah, you're like over here just like shaming yourself. Oh, I see we mean Yeah, yeah, it's it's so detrimental to your body and that's what was happening is, is I was just feelings. Yeah so guilty and shameful like how many times can I say,
Unknown Speaker 1:11:20
right? That's how you felt about everything about just like drinking Okay,
Unknown Speaker 1:11:25
I'm not drinking Yeah, that it was presenting in physical ways. Yeah and and my Generalized Anxiety is it's so much better now even like if I didn't drink one day or something like that I would still have it I wouldn't be able to talk to bank tellers, I wouldn't be able to call them make appointments. On a more severe case, like I would have panic attacks where like I literally was like, somebody just told this to me the other day that like it's a dis dis association or whatever that should happen to me all the time where I felt like I was like an alien in my body. Yeah, and like I would get like tunnel vision and stuff like that. And I really, I don't know if it's that I'm just more not just if I'm more confident now, and that I'm living in a clear headspace Yeah, but even like seven months ago, I wouldn't have been able to sit here and have this conversation with you.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:11
That's crazy. My
Unknown Speaker 1:12:12
voice would have been shaking, I would have been like, like my I would have like been fighter flight, I would have been like, Okay, what excuse Can I make to get the
Unknown Speaker 1:12:18
Get out of here? Well, let me think about that the seven months the growth that you've had since then, and the ability to open up and just Converse and things like that. I think that's amazing.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:27
Thanks. Yeah, it's it's crazy. Like, my therapist said it to me. I was saying, I'm so happy and like, like, who I am and who are presenting to the world and like, now I'm happy in my body and my anxiety just like how interesting. Like, she's like, it's not rocket science once you start to love yourself.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:45
It is rocket science.
Unknown Speaker 1:12:48
She talked to me about that a little bit because you'd like you said a couple times already. And now that you see a therapist, yeah, about that. Now, how beneficial has that experience been? And how long has it been since you've been doing
Unknown Speaker 1:12:58
oh my goodness, I can't say enough good things about talk therapy. Yeah, yeah, I've been. I've been going.
Unknown Speaker 1:13:07
I started going in October of 2018. Okay. Yes, it would have been. So a year and a half. Is that what that is? Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been seeing a therapist, the same therapist for about a year and a half and thankfully, and Sam talks about this openly, which is why I'll say it. Thankfully, it's she's Sam's therapist as well. Okay. So I already knew that she was like, gonna vibe with me because Sam and I,
Unknown Speaker 1:13:31
you vibe with Sam and you vibe.
Unknown Speaker 1:13:33
Yeah. Um, and I just, it's crazy how much I've grown. She. She really like pushes me and not pushes me but it feels like I'm being pushed, if that makes sense. Yeah, because it's like she takes away all of this doubt. And is like you can this is like you You are in the driver's seat of your life. Yeah, whatever you want. And obviously, like I'm paraphrasing and taking little bits of like what I experienced in there, but But it's just crazy how much more confident I've become from seeing her and also there I do have a lot of trauma in my life not so much now, but that I went through, right and so digging deeper into that and starting to not only forgive other people, but forgive myself as well, because I've done a lot of fucked up shit that caused me drama. Yeah, it's like I'm do I did it to myself yourself. Yeah. So it's like, not only am I trying to heal from that trauma, but I'm trying to heal from the guilt that I did it to myself. Right.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:26
So it's twofold. Right? Yeah. Physical and also psychological. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 1:14:29
exactly. And that's the thing, too, is like, something that I had to come to realize is there's a reason that I was doing those things, right. So maybe I'm not so like, I don't need to blame myself so much for that stuff. It's like, there is a reason that we that we do anything, there's so much there's a reason that I, you know, whatever, whatever thing that I was feeling guilty about. It's like, well, there's a reason behind that. So instead of saying I shouldn't have, let's say, like, why did I Yeah, right. I don't have to do that anymore.
Unknown Speaker 1:14:56
Yeah. So it sounds a lot like she she's giving you a lot accountability to not only the things that you did to yourself, but are doing for yourself now.
Unknown Speaker 1:15:05
Yeah, and we focus a lot on me not like talking portly about myself. Yeah, well, more so right
Unknown Speaker 1:15:12
Right. I mean this self deprecation, which is more like ingest or numr but then to like, talk down about who you really are. Yeah, right is, I guess could be a bad habit.
Unknown Speaker 1:15:22
Well, I'm true. I truly am my own worst critic and even like the followers I have on Instagram and stuff like that. They say to me all the time they're like stop like stop doing this Yeah, self more credit. And, and that's the thing is like, it's I think it's easy to forget, like, what you went through in like, what you came from, and so you can be like, Okay, well, I was just this like, crazy party girl. And it's like, okay, but what what what happened that you got there, right? What happened to you that you felt like you had to get there, right sort of thing. So yeah, we focus a lot on that. And honestly, now like, I just got, like, promoted. Now they like it's like, promoted, um, I used to go every single week and now I'm only going once every two weeks.
Unknown Speaker 1:15:57
There you go. So you're almost like just killing down because you're Manage more yourself?
Unknown Speaker 1:16:01
Yeah, I call it getting promoted. But like, like every single day if you feel like
Unknown Speaker 1:16:04
Unknown Speaker 1:16:07
that's really interesting. The I mean, when I had to deal with a counselor, I didn't have to go see a therapist or anything, but counseling is what I did. One was when my parents split, that was a very challenging time for me. But also, when I knew my relationship was on the rocks, I really found value in being able to talk to someone who was objective, not within my friend circle, not a parent or a parents friend, or whatever. And could really reframe how I viewed things because at the time, I felt like it was tunnel vision, like I was all the things that were going wrong in my life. I was just blaming myself for which I feel like to some extent you need to that's a more of an accountability piece that I need to be able to get. Yeah, you know what, I did do that to myself, but then to also turn that same energy around and say, Okay, well, because I did it to myself. I also have the ability to do to get myself out of it. Yeah, right. So did you find that you were able to do that as well and have you better at it.
Unknown Speaker 1:17:02
I think it's I guess it's so hard to put into words because it's like, it's so much so many hours. Like, if you think once a week for a year and a half, that's a lot of hours, we talked about a lot of shit. But I think that it just gave me the freedom to think about myself as less less of a black and white situation like, I'm bad because I'm bad because I'm good, because it's like, I'm more so in this like, I'm like malleable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, Okay, well, I can still make mistakes, but I'm not judging myself as much.
Unknown Speaker 1:17:28
I like that. I like that a lot.
Unknown Speaker 1:17:30
And even like, I was doing really, really well in my mental health for a long time. And then I got to this point, I haven't even really talked about it online yet, but it doesn't bother me. But I was doing really well in my mental health. And then I started losing all this weight from going orangetheory and eating healthy. And I struggle with disordered eating as well. And I went back into that shit, man, I was and I frickin dove hard and I didn't even like, I wasn't even willing to like admit it to myself that it was a problem until my girl like until Sam. She was like, maybe feel Like, yeah, like, this is like becoming a thing again. And then I realized like, Okay, well, I haven't eaten today. And actually, there was one day. It's so interesting. There was one day that I was in one of your classes, and I couldn't like get there and you're like, oh, like said something about being tired or whatever. And I was like, all I eat today was like a rice
Unknown Speaker 1:18:16
cake. Your energy was so different that day. I have a very,
Unknown Speaker 1:18:20
like getting hot just talking about. Yeah, but it's just so crazy. Because it's like, man, I really got there. Yeah. And it happened so quickly. And then I had to like, go back into my therapist, and I was sitting there and I'm like, like Annie I feel crazy. And she was like, Okay, let's change that verbiage. I was sitting there just like literally holding my head. I felt like a completely different person. And I was sitting in the car with Sam and just like bawling and like, I get like, I get emotional, but I don't do that. Like I get emotional and happy ways. But I really don't sit there and like bawling my eyes out. I just felt like I was like literally going like bad bad verbiage. But this is what I was saying is that I felt like I was going insane, right? And not eating enough. Really. It changes you for sure. Your body needs fuel.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:00
Yeah, sustenance, right to function. You know, those people like that completely deplete themselves with carbs, like your brain function is so severely impaired. But yeah, you know, as an example,
Unknown Speaker 1:19:09
yeah. And I found myself doing that I was trying to play cards. I played crip I was trying to add up the numbers I couldn't. And I'm like, Dude, what? Like, what? Yeah. And I'm like, Oh, yeah, food.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:18
Yeah. forgot about that.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:20
Yeah, but that's the thing. It's like, okay, I can be in such a good place. And then if I take the accountability off of myself for even one second, or I let myself slip, I will slip and I'll slip right, like hard. So then I had to work my way back up and had to be very mindful about what I was eating and like, okay, am I eating? Right like that? And so, yeah, like, I think that that's the thing is just like feeling confident enough in myself to even be able to, like, admit to myself that this shit is happening. And, and that's what my therapist has done for me is a lot because before I'd be like, I don't have a problem. Yeah, yeah. Like, leave me alone.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:52
You weren't even accepting at that point,
Unknown Speaker 1:19:54
you know, and if somebody brought it up to me, I just wouldn't talk to them. I would be like this. None of your business.
Unknown Speaker 1:19:58
Yeah. So you just deny Yeah, you into now? Yeah, um, it sounds to me like there's a lot of conscious energy that's put into making sure that you're in a good space. Yes. Now, that could, that could be energizing that could also be very depleting. Now, where are you on that spectrum?
Unknown Speaker 1:20:16
Oh, yeah. It's, it is exhausting. Yeah. Because I, I could I can get addicted to anything, is honestly how I feel I can get addicted to people. workout, whatever. Yes. So I have to be very, very mindful of putting limitations on myself. Because I can almost get into this like, well, I just want to keep going to keep going and keep going. So it is kind of exhausting knowing that about myself. But the more that I practice mindful, the more that I practice mindfulness, the easier it becomes, I see. And at the beginning, it was it. I felt, like, worse off because of it. I'm like, well, other people don't have to do this. And it's like, well, you're not other people.
Unknown Speaker 1:20:55
Why are we comparing here? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 1:20:56
exactly. So it's like, yeah, I have to wake up every morning and just say, I'm not Going to have a drink today. I still do that shit. Yeah, every single day. I'm like, Oh, I'm not gonna have a drink today. Yeah. Because forever feels daunting, right? And every single morning, I'm like, I don't want to eat breakfast. It's like, well, you're, you're going to Yeah, yeah. Yeah, something that I have to do. And if I feel like I'm over exercising, I have to be like, okay, you like you want to, but is it healthy to right? So, I mean, yeah, but it just becomes like a constant narrative. I think at some point, like, knowing how to speak to yourself in a kind way, but also holding yourself accountable for what makes you happy, because going back down into those slums, that doesn't make me happy, right? So why don't I do the work ahead of the time for sure of having to do the work.
Unknown Speaker 1:21:37
When as you as I'm listening to you tell me this, I almost feel like you've got, you know, the bad voice over here. You have the negative, the positive voice on the other shoulder, and it's like, they're just going back and forth at each other and they're trying to just, you know, reconcile in the middle. Do you feel like you have this inner voice that's kind of these two inner voices that are kind of conflicting with one another?
Unknown Speaker 1:21:54
You know, I don't know if I feel like it's the inner voices, but I do have I don't know what To call them Yeah, but I get into these moods, okay, where a nice this is literally the verbiage I use when I talk to my therapist where I just want to fuck it up. Okay, and I told her like there's the Alyssa who's like mindful and peaceful and like, not peaceful maybe but like just me. Yeah, right. And then there's the one who like wants to be on the boat in like a thong bikini like downing a to sixth grade, you know? I mean, like, those are the two different Alyssa opposites. Yeah. And sometimes like this Alyssa who's like mindful kind of gets in that mood. And it's like, Ooh, that's scary. Yeah, that's Bad News Bears. Yeah. Yeah. So trying to be mindful of that Alyssa, because back in the day, I would just give in to her. Gotcha. And now I'm like, oh, we're not going there.